Day 46

Turning 59 was the best damn thing I’ve done all year, mainly because I gave myself a little gift: 59 days… 59 days in which I am “allowed” to take care of me, selfish as I need to be.

I had to… my cup was bone dry. I had given away too much, hurt myself by helping those I love, without reciprocity. I needed time to replenish my resources (time, space, energy, money, or whatever). I also promised myself to double down, always add two extra days for any day one of my resources get tapped or compromised for the benefit of someone else.

Well, here it is, day 46 and I’ve already blown this Popsicle stand upside down by extending my 59 days to an entire frikkin year. No, it’s not because I wasn’t able to set boundaries with people who don’t have any. I just need more time to unlearn some bull, strengthen my resolve, and step fully into my own. An entire year will take me to my 60th birthday.

Truth be told, I’m not going back… I kind of like the bitchy new me.

Perhaps that’s the wrong adjective, but if you met the people that I have to deal with, you would fully understand. Take my son-in-law (please!) as I’m tired of politely reminding him that he has absolutely no control over me. His latest stunt? Texting to tell me he’s coming over to get answers, he’s got questions, wants to know what I’m doing with my money. As if that’s any of his business. I found out later, from talking to my daughter, that she’s been telling him that I’m broke whenever he asks her to come hit me up for a loan for something stupid, like when he’s out of weed or wants to go play bingo. Thank you, child… but now he’s wondering why I’m broke all the time, got it into his head that I must be giving all my money to the Vet.

Speaking of the Vet, I think he’s waiting for me to revert back to my old self as soon as bail on my 59 days. He tests the waters now and then, pops in to say, “Babe, my Netflix still isn’t working.”

Well duh, done told ya… time to get your own. Yeah, I deleted his profile and changed my password about a month ago. It’s time, been time. It’s not like he’s here watching my TV anymore. He hasn’t stayed over one night in this house since we broke up on the 4th of July in 2018, even though we were still seeing each other, because he was so hurt when I took my key back that he vowed to himself that he would never spend another night in this house. Bit bizarre as he never REALLY lived here, always kept his own apartment downtown, and it’s not like I ever had a key to his place.

I asked if he planned to punish me forever. If we stay together, will he make me sleep alone for the rest of my life? I miss how his foot would find me in his sleep, miss him waking me up, the pleasures of early morning sex… and he wants back on my Netflix. What an impasse, eh?

Well, he can get his own. It’s only $8.99 for one device, not like he can’t afford it. The only difference will be that my name will not be on his Netflix screen. It is one more degree of separation.

I’ve been making other positive changes, too. The most noticeable was reclaiming a forth of my house by moving a farm table with benches into the wasted space commonly referred to as a living room. Just hauling a huge recliner chair out the door totally changed the vibe.

It looks like a dining room, but that is a work table. It’s usable space for arts and crafts, set the kids up with paints or whatever as my studio is off limits.

Of course, I had to find something else to put into the kitchen. I chose a small, antique porcelain top table because I had a similar size porcelain top stand in my kitchen years ago, gave it away when I moved back in the mid 1980’s. It’s a perfect work surface. My great grandmother baked pies for a living, rolled dough on hers, so childhood memories were woven into the decision.

I also purposely choose a simple design with an all white top because the others I saw for sale reminded me too much of someone else. Now, I just need to find a couple chairs. I’m thinking ladder back, something I can doll up with colorful paints, folk art style.

Sorry for writing so long… but, it’s been awhile.

Thanks for reading!