Epiphany #5

This “I’ll work on me, you work on you babe” while taking a break instead of just breaking up seems beneficial to our relationship.  We are actually talking to each other now and, in some ways, we are in a better place then we had been there for awhile. It is nice to remember what we like about each other, what attracted us to each other in the first place, and how much we actually do love each other.

I’ve been sharing my little epiphanies… from “I am here, I’m still me” to the “I don’t really know you” with a list of stupid questions like, “Do you own a cast iron skillet?” Yeah, there are a LOT of little things that I do not know about this man.

He got the point:  I need him to be a little more open and honest with me and he needs me to stop hiding aspects of myself that, for reasons real or imagined, I felt like he might not be able to handle it.

Where do we go from here? Who knows? Right now, it is just one day at a time.

 

LATER:  I was thinking about how to tell the new student doc assigned to me at the family clinic that when I ask for an antidepressant, I want a low dose SSRI, preferably Lexapro, NOT 300mg of Wellbutrin (way too much, that’s enough to send me over the edge so I’m NOT taking it) and suddenly, I got hit with Epiphany #5.

How do I tell him? He thinks I lost my me… oh my gosh!

That “strong vibrant woman” he met and fell in love with ye 3 to 4 years ago (I didn’t jot notes on a calendar or keep a diary) was riding a prolonged cusp on the edge of mania, self-medicating with 100 proof peppermint schnapps straight up (hey, alcohol is a depressant) plus Jacks & Coke and a few other things when we first got together.

I ended up back in therapy, bailed out and eventually crashed, series of harsh things took me down into depression… that’s easier to hide. I have a lot more experience going down. I blogged about some of it, from Wired in August 2015 on up past the new year, mixed in with other stuff.

So, basically, he has seen me up and seen me down, both ends of my mental health spectrum, but might not have realized it… stable is the middle ground. So he thinks I lost part of my me… that my stable me is missing something?

Epiphany #5 just opened a frikkin can of mental worms.

Stable me is NOT so vibrant. Stable me doesn’t drink, mainly because I know alcohol is a depressant and I tend to cycle down a lot more than I cycle up. Stable me is a responsible human being. Stable me doesn’t make as much art, doesn’t read poetry on street corners, doesn’t do wacky things.

Humm… I’m going to have to think about this for awhile before I venture to bring it up in conversation.

Thanks for reading!

 

Wired

Ten signs that you might be just a little tad manic, in no particular order:

1. Your hand writing is barely legible to your own self. It takes considerable effort to write almost legible so other people can read it. However, your keyboarding skills are excellent and you are writing up a storm.

2. You cannot find “it” whatever “it” is, but definitely need to find “it” before an unknown deadline.

3. You find “real” mail (cards or letters from real people) postmarked weeks ago that you forgot to open.

4. You feel jacked up wired, trembling uncontrollably with excess energy but a glance at your steady hands tells you that you are only shaking on the inside.

5. You have a techie degree in electrical/electronics but cannot recall which color is the ground wire.

6. You have no idea how much money you have in the bank or your wallet, so you click into miser mode and/or use credit cards so you won’t accidentally overdraw an account.

7. You did not realize that you had purchased over $5,000 worth of beads until a beading supply company rewards you with extra discounts for being one of their best customers. Oh wait a minute, that was last time… but you caught yourself feeling the need to “stock up” on something.

8. You live on coffee and cigarettes and something quick late at night as you forgot to eat all day.

9. You run on minimal sleep, often 20 hour days, and only lay down when your body threatens to fall down.

10. Your mind is scattered, so you are doing several things all at once and/or skipping from one topic to the next so much that someone says something about it.

11.

 

bdf06006

WEEKS LATER (when not so wired): Find this post in your “drafts” and upload an image to go with it, click to publish.