Feb Res 2014

Today’s blog in a nutshell:  February Resolutions (practice art, revive BeesATC blog, get wet, ID anti-social behaviors) and a BED Reality Check (weigh-in)

Last first… pulled the scales out of the closet today for a “reality check” on that binge eating disorder thing.  I don’t talk about it much anymore as it is not such an issue anymore.   The anniversary of seeking treatment quietly came and went three months ago.  Weight loss has slowed down to a snails crawl, but it was amazing to enter the New Year weighing less than I have in years even after eating all of those holiday goodies.  Breaking free of the scales was kind of scary as going by how I feel and how my clothes fit can be deceptive so I was half tempted to close my eyes today.  But, I weighed myself.  Then stepped off the scales and weighed myself again.  Huh.  Three pounds down both times.  I want twenty to add to that previous eighty, but I am not yet willing to diet.  I’m not strong enough for that yet.  I am still learning moderation, finding the happy medium somewhere between under-eating and overeating.  I think it is called NORMAL.

Okay… February Resolutions!

1.   Practice art:  get back into the daily habit of making art in “practice size” again.

I bailed on my goal of 1000 practice pieces at #334,  or at least that was the last numbered piece that I posted.  Yes, I am reviving BeesATC with a few changes… new template, cleaner look, and a self-imposed rule of NO RAMBLING!   It will be as it started out to be… an art blog.  I can ramble here, no need to ramble there.  I want to try some new techniques and different things, so it might get interesting.  At least for me… maybe you will find it interesting, too.

2.  Get wet:  go to the Y at least once a week.

The water pressure helps my circulation, even if all I can do is a little deep water walking.  When I went to a pool regularly, I got so I could float on my back so I’m thinking maybe someday I will be able to swim again.  (Previous attempts resulted in spasms.)  They have a water exercise class for people with arthritis, so maybe I can do that, too.

3.  ID Anti-Social Behaviors:  am I becoming too anti-social?

I am resolving to think about that this month.  Then, if warranted, come up with a strategy to remedy the situation.  The thing is, I don’t know if I am becoming too anti-social or just getting  more weird about my personal space.  I very rarely invite anyone over. Friends and family have always known to call first, to give me at least an hour advance notice.  I have to mentally prepare for guests and sometimes, I have to put my toys away.  My nest is my nest, my personal private space, not a place to hang out.   I don’t want people knocking on my door.  When I feel like socializing, I go out.   It works for me… but I’m afraid it may offend people who are more socially inclined.

 

Sneak Peek of last night’s “first new post” on BeesATC (otherwise this post is just words):

a335

Thanks for reading!  Hopefully, I will catch up on my reading this weekend.

RC #3

It’s #3 as I think it is the third time to write about doing a reality check, nice to have some kind of consistancy to title posts.

Losing a couple pounds this week eased my pain levels, so I eased up on dieting. I don’t like being hungry. Dieting is too much of a binge trigger without that ache to keep me in line.

Reality checks may be stepping on the scales as numbers can reveal things I don’t want to admit even to myself, but it is also in the jeans… black jeans purchased in 2004 before hopping a jet to visit a friend for the holidays, the same jeans boxed for years because they were too small to wear now fit loose in the legs. Even new capris purchased for this summer fit too loose. That drives me nuts! I can’t stand wearing baggy pants.

Most of all, reality is the slow process of recovery from binge eating disorder. And what is recovery?

Recovery is time passing, moments gathered into days fading into weeks. Months have passed.

Recovery is knowing recovery is possible. Someday, living with B.E.D. will be a thing of the past.

Recovery is awareness that bingeing is a negative reaction, an attempt to repress “unacceptable” raw emotions, and finding other ways to cope. It is “okay” to feel things, to express emotions, but it is “not okay” to harm yourself or others. Art is a blessing as it allows me to express anything without fear.

Recovery is eating intuitively, trusting myself to feed myself without fear of going beserk.

Recovery is the ability to enjoy the flavors, aromas, and textures of food without one iota of guilt.

Recovery is shedding layers of insecurities in all aspects of my life. (That one surprises me.)

Be glad my SD card died… my treat for good behavior this week was a pedicure. The photo snapped was like wow, scary old lady feet with toenails fancy painted black with white floral stickers, clear rhinestones, and silver glitter.

Hey, it is okay to be your own outrageous self. Truth be told, no one else really cares.

Making Peace (note for friends/family)

So that little cheesecake yesterday kind of freaked you out? I should never eat anything like that? Oh, it’s bad, really REALLY BAD?

Okay, what should fat girls eat? Lettuce dowsed with vinegar? Prepackaged Jenny Craig or Lean Cusine? Or just weigh and measure everything, always following rules and charts that define which foods are allowed, limited or absolutely forbidden?

Straight up, I am down… oh geez, got to do math. Okay, I now weigh 16 pounds less than what it says on my state ID and y’all know that I lost ye 50 pounds before that but I gained some back doing the up 3 down 5, up 7 down 2, and so on in typical diet/binge seesaw battles, and then down about 30 since I moved here, mostly since halloween when I finally had enough and QUIT dieting and, most importantly, QUIT bingeing. Exact weight loss? I don’t know, with all the ups and downs since 1971, I have lost somewhere between 2 and 3 thousands pounds. The thing is, I’m seeing lower numbers on the scales than I’ve seen in five years and as long as I do NOT diet/binge, those numbers will continue to drop down to somewhere around “normal” even if I occassionally have a slice of cheesecake.

Yes, I suppose you could call this a “lifestyle change” as living binge-free is a serious lifestyle change but it is a hell of a lot more than a food plan.

As for a “food plan” since some of you are so programmed to believe that a restrictive plan of eating is vital to life, I am using the idea of “Intuitive Eating” as a guide. In other words, I have yet to buy the book, but you can google to find the basic principles. It is a simple idea: eat when hungry, stop when full.

Part of intuitive eating is to MAKE PEACE with food. Feeding yourself should not be a war. Food is not the enemy. I happen to like food. I enjoy food and guess what peeps… you are supposed to!

I made the mistake years ago of using food to shove down “inappropriate” emotions that I was unable to express about things I did not know how to deal with. I was too locked in silence to talk to anyone. Then bingeing is such a horrid secret thing in itself, perpetuates into a vicious cycle. It becomes a bad coping mechanism for a lot of other things, a quick way to not feel whatever you don’t want to feel. I used bingeing as a way to contain emotions, to contain myself. The excess weight is a symptom, not the problem. Yeah, so I’m a little screwed up? But it is going to be okay… fair warning, dear friends and family, I am coming out.

Yes, I am coming out better and stronger and more devine than I ever was… that scares me but it is going to be okay.

Well, I hope this answers that “what are you doing to lose weight” question because if anyone asks me again, I’m just going to make up something silly that is obviously not true.

Thanks for reading!