Winter Fog

Baby, it’s cold outside. The skies are gray with a hint of snow. I expected a brisk wind, but the breeze isn’t enough to rustle the chimes. If I can get my nerve up, I might just leave the house today.

I feel like I’m wearing an invisible patch over my right eye. Sometimes, I close the left just to see what I can see. The night sky effect has shrunk to a spot covering ye half of my vision with light to the right and below, but I really cannot make out much as it all is shrouded in a dense fog.

The retinal specialist did not offer treatment for a quick fix… when I asked if it could clear up on it’s own, he said, “I tell everyone to give it three months.” I go back in January for a dye test and then, we will go from there. In the meanwhile, he advises following other doctor’s orders and keep my blood pressure down, and warns that what can happen to one eye can happen in the other.

Oh, how lovely… and depressions swirls its own little fog, sneaking in to cloud my mind.


SATURDAY:  I did venture out yesterday, almost went to Walmart in Boardman, but opted not to deal with crowds. After driving up and down rows trying to find a spot in the jam packed parking lot, my daughter took me to a small grocers in Youngstown so I could pick up a few things.

I’m doing most of my shopping online this year…  just ordered warm mittens for all the grand kiddies, both mine and his. How’s that for being a total grandma, eh? At least it’s not bunny pajamas or hand knitted sweaters with extremely long arms, the thought of which makes me smile.

I should get busy baking for the cookie exchange at the family party tomorrow.

SUNDAY:  Baby, it’s still cold out there. Overnight snow turned the gray outside my windows into a wintry wonderland of white over muted greens, with a colorful splash of a red inflatable Mickey Mouse Santa peeking through lacy tree branches. I packed up four dozen apple pie oatmeal cookies (a variation of an apple tart recipe that was circulating on Facebook – instead of pressing store-bought dough into tart pans, I made oatmeal cookies from scratch, then dented the centers as they came fresh from the oven, filled the dents with homemade pie filling, and drizzled lines of vanilla frosting on top) and headed off to the family party with my daughter and her family. We got just past Canfield when my son-in-law turned around and headed us back to Youngstown. He said the roads were too bad, he wasn’t going to risk it with the kids in the van. Hopefully, those cookies will freeze well.

MONDAY (actually Tuesday ye 3am):  I’m up, waiting on another Advil to kick in so I can go back to sleep. That’s what I get for wandering around Walmart on this bad knee after my daughter picked me up from the hospital. I was there for more tests… MRI’s of my head, brain, and neck.

I’m thinking about asking my doc if I can take Wellbutrin for awhile, maybe kill two birds with one stone if it will ward off depression and ease nicotine cravings at the same time. I know I can’t take it too long, have to go off as soon as depression eases or I’ll cycle up too much… that’s why that shrink who thinks I’m bipolar said I should be on mood stabilizers instead of anti-depressants; but this is not my first rodeo.  I know how to watch for signs, know when to ease myself off… done it repeatedly to get help for the darkest depressions while avoiding that bipolar label. Suppose I should google interactions now that I’m on all these other meds.

That’s depressing in itself… studying the interaction of pills instead of the interaction of colors. I need to make art again, it’s been awhile since I started a new drawing… see how it goes with one good eye.

I also started a list of oddities, strange things noted since I had that little stroke as I don’t know if it is just some kind of spacial relationship issue due to a blind eye or if something else is going on. It’s like I reach for something and slightly miss. That could be blamed on eyesight… but when I go to put something into my mouth and hit my lip, that’s not a visual problem… that’s my hand not going to where it is supposed to go.

Well, I’m going back to bed. Thanks for reading.