RC #4

Reality Check day… OMGosh… it’s down again. I am safely below that “bad” number and edging on the next. The only thing to do is keep on going. What’s a little walk through fire now and then when the end results are worth it? Someday, there won’t be any “bad” numbers of poor distribution putting too much stress on old bones.

I have to admit that I am tickled by the number on the scales, even though weight loss is just a SIDE EFFECT of recovery, not the be all do all of anything.

By today’s number, I have lost a grand total of 73 pounds.

I have a hard time claiming that as I’m embarrassed about how fat I was considering how fat I still am. And it is not like a steady drop either. I had lost fifty pounds by my 50th birthday, gained some back, up and down repeatedly, so it has only been about thirty pounds since last Fall, when I started on this path of recovery.

I’m starting to think of binge eating disorder in past terms, catch myself using WAS instead of IS, but I will not consider myself fully recovered until the symptom of excess weight is gone. By then, the unseen symptons should be gone, too. It is really a mental thing more than physical, another reason not to focus on numbers. It’s not about vanity, it’s about sanity.

Instead of rewarding myself for good behavior again (kind of redundant when living binge-free has become the norm), I decided to start wearing a necklace my sister gave me when she returned from wandering years ago. It is a little circle of Black Hills gold, no bigger than a half inch, on a “used to be too short but fits fine now” delicate chain. She got it for me because she’s really into the meaning of circles and knew I liked Black Hills gold. I think it makes a nice symbol of recovery, a trinket to remind me that I am whole, unbroken, and dwell within a circle of peace and harmony, if that makes any sense.

In other words, it’s going to be okay. Thanks for reading!

Making Peace (note for friends/family)

So that little cheesecake yesterday kind of freaked you out? I should never eat anything like that? Oh, it’s bad, really REALLY BAD?

Okay, what should fat girls eat? Lettuce dowsed with vinegar? Prepackaged Jenny Craig or Lean Cusine? Or just weigh and measure everything, always following rules and charts that define which foods are allowed, limited or absolutely forbidden?

Straight up, I am down… oh geez, got to do math. Okay, I now weigh 16 pounds less than what it says on my state ID and y’all know that I lost ye 50 pounds before that but I gained some back doing the up 3 down 5, up 7 down 2, and so on in typical diet/binge seesaw battles, and then down about 30 since I moved here, mostly since halloween when I finally had enough and QUIT dieting and, most importantly, QUIT bingeing. Exact weight loss? I don’t know, with all the ups and downs since 1971, I have lost somewhere between 2 and 3 thousands pounds. The thing is, I’m seeing lower numbers on the scales than I’ve seen in five years and as long as I do NOT diet/binge, those numbers will continue to drop down to somewhere around “normal” even if I occassionally have a slice of cheesecake.

Yes, I suppose you could call this a “lifestyle change” as living binge-free is a serious lifestyle change but it is a hell of a lot more than a food plan.

As for a “food plan” since some of you are so programmed to believe that a restrictive plan of eating is vital to life, I am using the idea of “Intuitive Eating” as a guide. In other words, I have yet to buy the book, but you can google to find the basic principles. It is a simple idea: eat when hungry, stop when full.

Part of intuitive eating is to MAKE PEACE with food. Feeding yourself should not be a war. Food is not the enemy. I happen to like food. I enjoy food and guess what peeps… you are supposed to!

I made the mistake years ago of using food to shove down “inappropriate” emotions that I was unable to express about things I did not know how to deal with. I was too locked in silence to talk to anyone. Then bingeing is such a horrid secret thing in itself, perpetuates into a vicious cycle. It becomes a bad coping mechanism for a lot of other things, a quick way to not feel whatever you don’t want to feel. I used bingeing as a way to contain emotions, to contain myself. The excess weight is a symptom, not the problem. Yeah, so I’m a little screwed up? But it is going to be okay… fair warning, dear friends and family, I am coming out.

Yes, I am coming out better and stronger and more devine than I ever was… that scares me but it is going to be okay.

Well, I hope this answers that “what are you doing to lose weight” question because if anyone asks me again, I’m just going to make up something silly that is obviously not true.

Thanks for reading!