Fair Exchange 

I’m fighting to get my health back, good day follows bad, then lightheaded and dizzy again. Vertigo came hard last night, triggered by putting my head on a pillow, so I sat up awhile noting that the dull headache vanished when the world was spinning.

Doc has me pushing fluids… drink more water, follow a heart healthy diet, take my blood pressure daily and keep a journal of symptoms.

I’m beginning to think that I am being poisoned so I ordered a carbon monoxide monitor, the type with an led display that can track readings instead of just sounding an annoying alarm, and then ordered a gas sensor for good measure.

NEXT DAY:  Woke up before 5am and laid in bed just thinking for awhile. Clarity is amazing. All the little things that independently don’t matter start to come together in a mind space devoid of emotion, rearranging their selves like free floating, rotating jigsaw puzzle pieces seeking proper alignments. As each piece clicked into place, I said, “humf” out loud. Then I realized the vet was also awake and figured I’d best get out of bed before I say something I might regret later.

I need to think about this for awhile because I don’t like the picture.

Mindful or Just Mine

I have come to the conclusion that life alters my perception of reality and death, although tinged with confusion, has a way of clarifying things.

The death of my aunt altered my life as if part of my own self died. Each subsequent death (off hand count 8 humans, a friend’s dog, and my own cat) was like hammering copper. I’m hardened by the awareness of mortality. There really is no tomorrow. Someday never comes.

This is it… life: raw and real and right now.

I am told that I sing in my sleep. My dreams of late are laced with people, past and present, and then, more often than not, I wake up with Pearl Jam tunes in my head: Black, Even Flow, Alive, and this one… I Am Mine.

 

I’m not depressed… not manic, either. I’m just aware that life is now. Elusive dreams gave way to concrete goals with executable plans. I am focused. I am here. I am alive… living, breathing, laughing, loving, making art, cleaning house, just being grandma and all these things… savoring these moments.

Thanks for reading!

 

Clarity

I had a dental emergency. Yes, nothing like a little toothache to bring your entire world to a screeching halt. They yanked the offender out, not an easy task with hooked roots, but “Dr. Dremel” took a saw to my jaw bone and I have been recovering ever since.  A couple more visits and my teeth will be good as new, or at least good enough to chew again.

I’m not sure where teeth land on Maslow’s Theory of Human Motivation, but I’d lay odds that it is on the lowest tier of that pyramid. The dental work cleared my head. Suddenly, I am more focused and things on my “to do” list of unfinished projects are getting done.

So far, I have re-done my living room (sewed new curtains and re-covered the cushions on my metal frame couch and chair set), knitted two hats, and cleaned out two closets.

I made biz decisions… that shrink suggested eliminating websites, that it is a waste of time to list things where they don’t sell, like on Webstore, and list things where they do sell, like on Etsy and eBay. Instead of blowing off Webstore, I decided to only list buttons there because they are made to order… not like tying up inventory that could be sold elsewhere. Besides, it is free to list there, there are no fees (they make their money from ads and donations) and once listed, easy to relist. Same goes with my SQ shop. As for CafePress, I have fun with that… and once a design is posted, my work is done. CafePress handles all orders, everything from printing to shipping. I did revive my old Etsy shop for art, handmade things, and DeStash. There’s not much there yet. What the shrink does not realize is, this is my “work” even if it seems like nothing more than a hobby biz by other people’s standards. What am I supposed to do? Sit around all day watching pretend people live pretend lives on television?

I did take a hard look at “what I want to do” verses “what I am able to do” as I do tend to forget that they are not the same thing. It’s like I want to book into local craft shows and festivals to sell my art, buttons, and handmade things in person… but I really need a helper to be able to do that (at least someone to give me a potty break) and I cannot accurately predict mobility any more than I can predict the weather when booking into things weeks in advance. If I’m not walking well enough, or if it is pouring rain, I’m out the setup fees. What I really want someday is my own little store, four walls and a door, even if it is connected to my residence which is a total impossibility now as I currently live in a high rise apartment building designated for elderly and disabled persons.

Which brings me round robin back to clarity…

After they yanked that tooth and my head cleared, the most important conclusion that I came to was that I need to downsize again. My apartment is in a building scheduled for renovations.  They plan to flip these units without relocating tenants – brand new kitchens, new bathrooms, new windows, new flooring, the whole 9 yards – starting in the Spring of 2016. The only tenants who will have to vacate their apartments are the few who live in handicap accessible units, or rather the units that will be designated as accessible units on their plans, which they say are yet to be determined, as those units will require much more work.

There is a very good possibility that my apartment will be on vacate list, if they include units so designated as accessible now, but it will be much easier with less stuff even if I can stay in my unit.

A friend suggested taking a vacation while they flip my unit. That sounds like a good idea, no breathing in construction dust or anything, just leave and come back when it is all done.

If I want to come back. What if I don’t?

I won’t know that until I go… so, I came up with a plan. Downsize to the point where ALL my stuff will fit into ONE storage U-Box from U-Haul. That will be a challenge, but renovations and/or relocations are easier with less stuff.

Thanks for reading! Here is a blue star for not bailing out on me… it’s free clip art with a translucent background, looks better on black, that I drew with Inkscape and applied filters to get the cool wax effect.  Click to view full size, then right click to save. Don’t worry about copyrights. I give you permission to use it.

blueirisheart