Mind Shift

Stepping back or to the side even just a little bit can render drastic changes to how you view things… sunlight filtering through tree branches may shift from being a glare in your eyes to a dance of light and shadows across lush, colorful textures of moss and bark.  It’s time to do a mind shift, to step back and look at everything from other angles so I can see what is going on here from other perspectives.

From one perspective… it is this song:

Change the word “mom” to “man” in the lyric that goes “I don’t get angry when my mom man…” and that’s what is going on here… and I’m waiting (again) for him to “come back to me” as he’s been MIA since yesterday morning. Oh, he did call last night, melting my irritation on “hey beautiful…” Sheez. Thing is, “life is too short so love the one you got” and I know he really does love me, even when he is three sheets to the wind before nine.

Step to the side a bit… what changed recently?

Frequency. What used to be once or twice a month comes faster and harder now.

~

COUPLE DAYS LATER (waking up alone again): Shift again… what am I forgetting?

Duh… he doesn’t live here… total complete brain shift.

Okay, so let us examine the facts… ignore that he has been here at least 330 days of the past year, has a lot of clothes and stuff here, does chores here, cuts the grass here, has keys to the doors and acts like he lives here… does he actually, really truely officially, live here? NO… he has his own apartment downtown. Does he get any mail here? NO… his mail goes to HIS address. Does he chip in or pay any of the bills? NO… he pays the bills for HIS place. Considering that he would be the first to say that you are supposed to “pay where you stay” and credit his dad for teaching him that lesson soon after he got his first job as a teenager, by his own rule or definition, call it whatever you want, he doesn’t really live here.

I’m going to have to mull this over and think about it for awhile.

If he doesn’t really live here, I need to stop thinking that he does… is this the beginning of the end? Can two people go from living together (or thinking they were living together) to NOT living together without one thinking that the other doesn’t want them?

I don’t know… time will tell.

Thanks for reading.

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Fair Exchange 

I’m fighting to get my health back, good day follows bad, then lightheaded and dizzy again. Vertigo came hard last night, triggered by putting my head on a pillow, so I sat up awhile noting that the dull headache vanished when the world was spinning.

Doc has me pushing fluids… drink more water, follow a heart healthy diet, take my blood pressure daily and keep a journal of symptoms.

I’m beginning to think that I am being poisoned so I ordered a carbon monoxide monitor, the type with an led display that can track readings instead of just sounding an annoying alarm, and then ordered a gas sensor for good measure.

NEXT DAY:  Woke up before 5am and laid in bed just thinking for awhile. Clarity is amazing. All the little things that independently don’t matter start to come together in a mind space devoid of emotion, rearranging their selves like free floating, rotating jigsaw puzzle pieces seeking proper alignments. As each piece clicked into place, I said, “humf” out loud. Then I realized the vet was also awake and figured I’d best get out of bed before I say something I might regret later.

I need to think about this for awhile because I don’t like the picture.

Fave Tune: I Don’t Want to Know

I woke up with this Fleetwood Mac tune in my head and a clip about recognizing narcissistic behaviors with a check list to determine if you are in an abusive relationship in my inbox.

Oh, great. Please do not jump to conclusions.

I don’t have it in me to tolerate an abusive relationship. I’m too old and weathered to put up with psychological bull and I don’t know how to deal with physical abuse. I’ve seen too many women beat down, so my response might be with deadly force. You will know what happened if my next address is Marysville.

In fact, I periodically question my ability to tolerate relationships of any kind. Maybe I should stop writing blogs about it or venting over telephone lines.

Nah… that would be self-abuse.

Rest assured, dear friends, I am not in an abusive relationship.

Maybe my last post gave the impression that he expected me to drop my projects to do what pleased him…  nah, asking where I kept the broom was NOT a clue to make me jump up and do housework.  I told him where it was, and HE swept a floor.  He doesn’t try to control me. I’m the one who felt like I needed to take a night off, spend more time with my man… no manipulation on his part involved.

So, it’s okay here…. thanks for caring!