Fish Blue

Me: Babe, I’m getting used to this…
Him: Oh really?
Yeah, I’ve slept alone more in the last couple weeks than I have in the past year or so.
Awe babe…

What are you doing down there?
I’m getting my apartment together.
I think you’re playing… down there partying, playing poker with the boys, getting messed up.
He laughs, says I’ll be home in the morning (yeah, right… I’ve heard that before).

Can I stop by and pick up that ten tomorrow?
Babe, I’m coming home, I’ll bring it with me.
Blah blah blah, sweet dreams (oh… goodnight at 7:30?)
Yeah I love you too.

I hang up and dial my kid. Hey, what are you doing bright and early tomorrow morning? I need to go shopping… pick me up at 8:15?

Maybe he will conquer whatever has taken hold. There’s something toxic going on. I might be wrong, but I’ve known enough addicts to recognize the behavior patterns. Something takes all his money and wrings him out. Whatever it is, he tries to hide it from me… doesn’t do it around me. And if I flat-out asked, What’s your poison? What are you doing? Smoking woolies? He wouldn’t tell me anyway.

I feel like a break-up is inevitable… the man avoids confrontation at all costs, so he will just slide out slow, spend more and more time at his place and less at mine… he’ll wander in and out, slowly taking his stuff out, time will pass, two days, then four, work up to a week… and all the while, we will continue to say I love you and pretend all is well as it ever so slowly fades away. In the end, it will be like we just drifted apart, floated off with the fallen leaves. We will break up without actually breaking up. It will just gradually happen… one day it will be like, oh… it’s over, been over for a while.

I can see it play out like that. I can see myself singing this song… I’m just not ready for good.

 

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RIP Tom Petty

Here’s one of my favorite Tom Petty songs… what’s yours?

Mind Shift

Stepping back or to the side even just a little bit can render drastic changes to how you view things… sunlight filtering through tree branches may shift from being a glare in your eyes to a dance of light and shadows across lush, colorful textures of moss and bark.  It’s time to do a mind shift, to step back and look at everything from other angles so I can see what is going on here from other perspectives.

From one perspective… it is this song:

Change the word “mom” to “man” in the lyric that goes “I don’t get angry when my mom man…” and that’s what is going on here… and I’m waiting (again) for him to “come back to me” as he’s been MIA since yesterday morning. Oh, he did call last night, melting my irritation on “hey beautiful…” Sheez. Thing is, “life is too short so love the one you got” and I know he really does love me, even when he is three sheets to the wind before nine.

Step to the side a bit… what changed recently?

Frequency. What used to be once or twice a month comes faster and harder now. If I drew a time line, noting deaths and woes, it becomes obvious that he is drowning sorrows. Maybe he’s just got things on his mind that he can’t share, being the strong silent type and all.

 

COUPLE DAYS LATER (waking up alone again): Shift again… what am I forgetting?

Duh… he doesn’t live here… total complete brain shift.

Okay, so let us examine the facts… ignore that he has been here at least 330 days of the past year, has a lot of clothes and stuff here, does chores here, cuts the grass here, has keys to the doors and acts like he lives here… does he actually, really truely officially, live here? NO… he has his own apartment downtown. Does he get any mail here? NO… his mail goes to HIS address. Does he chip in or pay any of the bills? NO… he pays the bills for HIS place. Considering that he would be the first to say that you are supposed to “pay where you stay” and credit his dad for teaching him that lesson soon after he got his first job as a teenager, by his own rule or definition, call it whatever you want, he doesn’t really live here.

To give him credit, he does buy groceries… we both do. I usually spend more than he does at the grocers, so I don’t consider that a contribution to bills… the man eats what he buys, be it here or there.

I’m going to have to mull this over and think about it for awhile.

If he doesn’t really live here, I need to stop thinking that he does… is this the beginning of the end? Can two people go from living together (or thinking they were living together) to NOT living together without one thinking that the other doesn’t want them?

He stayed downtown last night to prep his apartment for the next stage of remodeling (time to put stuff back in closets, get it out of the way so they can finish the floors, etc.)  Naturally, the novelty of new everything will make him want to be there more… odds are he will want to take his big TV back downtown. I hate having a traditional living room anyway. Maybe he will take some of his other stuff back downtown, too. This might be a good time to claim some of my own space… that living room is ye 25% of my house and right now, it’s like rendered useless to me, a total waste of space. For me, it is just a walk through to the door as I don’t sit in there. I go in, dust and water plants… that’s it.

Maybe I’ll just do a little at a time…. claim a corner, than another. When I haul that big fluffy recliner chair out to the curb and put an easel or art table in there, I’ll let you know.

Thanks for reading.