Fave Tune: I Don’t Want to Know

I woke up with this Fleetwood Mac tune in my head and a clip about recognizing narcissistic behaviors with a check list to determine if you are in an abusive relationship in my inbox.

Oh, great. Please do not jump to conclusions.

I don’t have it in me to tolerate an abusive relationship. I’m too old and weathered to put up with psychological bull and I don’t know how to deal with physical abuse. I’ve seen too many women beat down, so my response might be with deadly force. You will know what happened if my next address is Marysville.

In fact, I periodically question my ability to tolerate relationships of any kind. Maybe I should stop writing blogs about it or venting over telephone lines.

Nah… that would be self-abuse.

Rest assured, dear friends, I am not in an abusive relationship.

Maybe my last post gave the impression that he expected me to drop my projects to do what pleased him…  nah, asking where I kept the broom was NOT a clue to make me jump up and do housework.  I told him where it was, and HE swept a floor.  He doesn’t try to control me. I’m the one who felt like I needed to take a night off, spend more time with my man… no manipulation on his part involved.

So, it’s okay here…. thanks for caring!

CSNY Suite: Judy Blue Eyes (Fave tune)

“It’s getting to the point where I’m no fun anymore…”

One of my all time favorites, a CSNY tune, pops into my head whenever he says that I’m no fun anymore… we used to kick it with booze, laugh and have a good ol’ time… well, no shit Sherlock. I had a stroke. My new meds don’t mix with alcohol, the most I can do is sip a small glass of wine. But that’s on me, what’s stopping you?

It’s too quiet here, it’s like being in the country. You could hear a rat piss on cotton.

“Chestnut brown canary…”

Are you bored? Ready to say hey babe, I love you but I can’t deal with this?

It’s not the first time that I have casually opened the door to such a conversation with a question phrased for an easy yes or no answer, providing a non-confrontational way for him to say what may be twirling in his mind. The unspoken question still lingers in my own mind, unanswered: Are we done yet?

Next day:  Hey babe, are we planting greens?

Yeah, I’m planting salad greens… leaf lettuce, spinach, assorted baby lettuce greens…  Oh? You want mustard greens and turnip greens? Sure, why not… we can plant greens for old ladies in the towers who have already put in requests for bell peppers and green tomatoes.  Yeah… love you, too.

Today: phone rings, pocket call… I hang up and he calls right back. Hello? No response… I hear voices, but he’s not talking to me.

“What have I got to lose…”

Here’s the song without Young… it’s an old tune, been around since about Woodstock ’69 and not the best rendition, but totally cool to see old guys sing one of their old songs.

Sigh.

Dark Days

“Cold hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colours from our sight,
Red is grey and yellow white,
But we decide which is right,
and which is an illusion.”

Quote is from the poem “Late Lament” by Graeme Edge, drummer of the Moody Blues. 

~

That little stroke stole the light, removed colours from my sight. I am, hopefully just temporarily, blind in my right eye. There are some other weird things going on, like spatial relationship issues and I’m still dealing with a sprained lateral collateral ligament in my right knee, but to see nothing but a black sky from that eye, dotted with tiny twinkling specks like very distant stars, really messes me up. I’m a visual artist… I play with color interactions, I need to see with both eyes.

The sight came back, not 100% but it cleared up enough within the first 24 hours so it was like looking out through a frosted windshield on a cold wintry morn. There was like some cool crystallization patterns that I could see through, and patchy areas of pale gray clouds. Then, while I was in hospital, dark clouds blocked most of my sight for awhile and then slowly faded back to how it was. Clouds would come and go.

That’s why I wasn’t so alarmed when it blacked out again on Saturday. Now, here it is Monday and that eye is still blind.

I have an appointment with a retinal specialist on the 5th, so maybe he can fix it. Also have appointments with other docs… still need MRI of head, neck, and brain and some kind of echo done on my heart. They let me out of the hospital before tests were complete due to the holiday weekend, made me promise to follow up, get it done via out-patient ASAP.

Here’s an “at home” selfie snapped on Sunday… looks a little better than the hospital version, still a la natural (no makeup) but oh well… just posting to say, “See? I”m okay… still here.”

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Please do not think that I am in a whiny mood… I am acutely aware of how lucky I am as strokes can steal a hell of a lot more than the sight from one eye. This experience also made me acutely aware that next time, I might not be so lucky. If I want to continue breathing on this planet, I need to make some serious life changes, follow through on the usual request from docs: quit smoking, lose weight, take pills, &c.

~

Damn this harvest year.

As I was writing this, I got a text to let me know that an old Italian guy that I always enjoyed talking to at the apartment building has died. They found his body today. Not the Italian guy I call old goat… he is too stubborn to die. This one put me in mind of an old school mafia dude, with a little smile like he was secretly amused, always watching and paying attention to everything. I think he respected me as one of the few people who never hit him up for cash.  I should go light a candle for him.

~

If you love someone, tell them.
Life is temporary.