Sixteen Changes

My word for 2016 is Change, if I go by one of those silly Facebook quizzes.

Good change, bad change, maybe just loose change, coins dropped into kettles trying to make change in someone else’s life, some little kid on Christmas morn.

Today I mourn the loss of an old friend and muse, a very talented artist and writer that I met at the Trumbull Art Gallery in 1996.  Oh, he is still very much alive.  He de-friended me via text, slamming 8 into my phone, having drawn conclusions on limited information. Even that is my fault… I closed ranks and kept secrets, lied by omission on things I wasn’t ready or able to talk about.

Must friends disclose all?

Some things are not really anyone else’s business… certainly did not think it would have a bearing on our friendship. He is right on one thing, his “u suck as a friend” because I have often been distracted or cut conversations short lately, but not always for the reasons he thinks.  No reason to text back, odds are that he had already blocked my number, obviously not interested in anything I have to say, so I mailed a goodbye letter with “no reply expected” scrawled on the back of the envelope.

Oh well… it was his choice to de-friend me.

I de-friended him on Facebook today, even though he has no access to his account because he forgot his passwords to both Facebook and email after his computer died, as a sign that I accept his decision.

Question:  Is it “emotional cheating” to talk/text with an old friend of the same gender as your lover?

That’s one of the things he accused me of… that’s the root of it.  He’s hurt that I did not tell him that I was quietly seeing someone, but that was none of his business.  He thinks I should have told him sooner, that friends don’t keep secrets… I almost told him many times, laid enough hints for him to guess, kind of waiting for a clue to open the conversation, but maybe something inside me always knew that when I did tell him, he would say good-bye.

I can deal with good-bye.

Hell, I grew up saying good-bye… we moved about once a year. I attended 13 schools before High School graduation, 14 if you count both vocational schools. I learned young that there was no see ya later, that attempts to stay in contact with friends via letters or phone calls would eventually fade, that when it was time to say good-bye, it was a good-bye. I’ve actually said “it’s been nice knowing you, have a good life” to some of my best friends, knowing damn well that I would never see them again.

But hey, life goes on… and the word for 2016 is change.

He is right that I have changed, haven’t been my old self lately, and that’s evident even in this blog. Just look at my “recent” posts, clues in the topics: Clarity, Iron in the Fire, Pumpernickel, Wired. Download and look at that print-able PDF chart from Iron in the Fire, look at the bottom of it to see what else I started tracking, along with sleep patterns and moods. Yeah, it’s coded for self-meds:  Al, Wd, Fd, Ex.

Barnbees, one slightly messed up woman… that says it all, eh?

But, you know what? I am stronger now than I have ever been.  I’m just me… flaws and all.

Yes, I have some issues, but they are my issues. I work on them because, bottom line, I like me… yes, I am selfish like that. I love life, I  like being me. If I think working on something, like learning how to live with this bipolar thing more effectively will make my life better, so be it… I am not trying to fix me to please anyone else, but me. I come “as is” so if you like me, fine… if not, oh well.

That’s an artist skin… when you make art and throw it out to the world, some people will like it and others will hate it. I don’t make art to please other people. If they like it, fine… if not, oh well.

Here is my first art of 2016… first art I’ve been able to finish in awhile (been scattered a bit). My sister gave me a block of 100% cotton watercolor paper, a brand I never tried before, and sent a few pencils, too. So, this drawing was pretty much just to test the new paper, to see how many layers it can handle, light or heavy handed, &c. Then I inked it so I will know how ink behaves over oil based colored pencils on this paper. Not my best, but okay for a first in a long time, colors faded by poor photography on the lower end.

Test Drawing

Thanks for reading… I haven’t been reading blogs lately, my apologies, there are a lot of things I need to start doing again.




4 thoughts on “Sixteen Changes

  1. Hi Nancy, one of my oldest, if not my oldest blogging friend. It’s good to touch base with you again. I have tried to understand your relationship problems from your writings…can’t. It’s all too confusing and reminds me of the past mazes of my own life. I care for your sanity and happiness. I know nothing but I know art and seeing this piece I know you’re okay, at the center, troubled but balanced…

    • Hi John, so good to hear from you. I shall have to visit your blog to see your latest posts. As for my relationship issues, it can be easily summed up as general avoidance compounded by the need to love and be loved, which requires trading the comforts of solitude for companionship, and a history of failed attempts as I am incapable of meeting other people’s expectations (gender roles, social norms) and may just be too darn selfish to make a “normal” relationship work. The man I see now is my complete polar opposite – raised in different cultures, no common interests or anything, so all expectations are off the table. Getting to know each other is a challenge laced with laughter and miscommunication. We’re like magnets, attract and retract. I’m the one who pulls back as I’m afraid that he will get tired of me or I will end up hurting him. At the same time, he amazes me… he notices and likes things about me, the me I am inside, that I try to tamp down and hide. So yes, I am okay… and as always, seeking balance. Thank you for caring and commenting. I trust all is well with you? Well, off to your blog… it’s been awhile since I’ve visited the Art Rat Café.

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