Pumpernickel

I woke up at 4:20 a.m. The alarm on my cell is set for 8. Breakfast was an onion bagel and coffee leftover from Saturday. Yes, I saved it because I’m out of beans. Made my last pot yesterday. It is Monday.

This post is titled “Pumpernickel” because the lines of a poem run through my head:

“I can’t take care of you
 because I can’t take care of me,
so tonight I’ll just have toast
and enjoy your company.”

Old words, different day, same tune. I’m not good at being anyone’s girlfriend, and certainly not of the marrying kind. I tend to treat men like men treat women… don’t call all the time, don’t text too often, and I don’t want to hang out 24/7. This doesn’t mean I don’t care… just means that I have other stuff going on.

Thing is… I don’t know how to do coupledom. I don’t know how to be half a couple. I’m a whole person in my own right, be it a slightly messed up person, but still a whole person.

I expect a man to be a whole person, with his own stuff going on, too.

Half a couple men get on my nerves… they tend to be clingy, insecure, constantly in need validation or reassurance, and can’t do much of anything without consulting their “better” half – as if every minute decision must be approved by another human being. Problems occur when they expect ME to consult them over every little stupid thing, as if I need their permission or want their approval before I do anything.

So basically, I treat men the way I want to be treated. Two people CAN remain individuals, each a whole person in their own right, pursue their own interests, and still enjoy each other’s company now and then.

Sometimes, I do try to be more… oh, IDK… caring?

It doesn’t come naturally… hits me like an after thought. Like oh, maybe I should stock his favorite flavor of coffee creamer or cook something that he likes to eat.

I also believe that a man tend to be where they want to be, so I am not insecure in my own relationships. This also means that I don’t know how to chase off women who hit on a man I’m seeing. Am I supposed to go all possessive and catty? That makes no sense to me. If a woman hits on “your man” and he goes for it, was he “your man” to begin with? We do not own each other… there is no obligation here. We spend time together because that is something we both want to do. Yes, it would deeply sadden me if he chooses to be with someone else, but he’s not under lock and key. There is nothing I can do to stop him. My only choice in the matter would be to decide what I do next, to what is best for me. Odds are that I would have to say good-bye if he hasn’t already said good-bye, as I’m selfish… I don’t like to share.

LATER:

It’s been ye 21 hours since I woke up this morning (or yesterday, if your days go by clocks). I got a little bit of a few things done today… didn’t work on my button shop (supposedly a main priority) but did design and upload a couple new graphics at CafePress.

I bailed, saved this as a draft earlier as I had a shrink appointment.

I don’t know what’s with that girl in the office as this was my second session there and we agreed to a 3 week schedule. That’s 3 as in THREE, or ye 21 days between sessions. This time, I know for sure that he told her to make my next appointment in 3 weeks. She says, “how’s September 3rd (or was it 4th?) and rattles off times like I’m to pick one. I said, “that’s not 3 weeks” and she looked at me like I was stupid. So I flipped through the little well worn calendar (obviously flipped often by other clients, patients, or whatever they call us there) and counter-suggested a date 3 weeks out. Last time, I did not pay that much attention. She gave me an appointment 2 weeks out, so when I realized it an hour later, I called to reschedule for the following week. Does she have a problem with calendars? Does the entire concept of “three weeks” blow totally over her head? There are REASONS for scheduling my sessions 3 weeks apart. Part of it is money, as I have to lay down a $35 co-pay every time I go. I can afford $35 every 3 weeks, but not every two. I also need time to process the session, to think about what I am doing, plus think about anything the shrink wants me to think about. This is not my first psych rodeo… I know that I’m the one who has to do the work on me, a shrink is just a mentor or guide to help you do it.

I do have things to think about. I’m not ready to write about it yet… thank goodness, eh? This is long enough… a tad too long, but odds are no one will read it anyway. People like short and sweet. I’m not there yet. If you actually read it all… thank you!

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