I crossed the line. The earth did not shatter.
That line was my SAFE line on the scale. Kind of stupid, but I had to CBT some sense into my thinking and writing it out into poem form really helped.
My fears were delusional. I do NOT NEED a hundred plus pound “cushion” to protect myself anymore.
Facts are:
1. I am not a defenseless child anymore.
2. I am an old woman now. Time itself is a blessing.
3. No one has tried to rape me when I weighed over 100 lbs. No one has tried to force me over 200 lbs.
4. Age & fat do not eliminate all unwanted advances, but there is a definite inverse math thing going on. The older/heavier you are, the less often a woman has to deal with that.
5. I can and have warded off unwelcome advances, so telling myself that I don’t know how to deal with that bull is a lie. Quite simply, I hate being hit on. I don’t want to have to deal with any of that.
Do I have sexual issues? No, I have issues with total jerks, drunken assholes, and pedophiles.
It is funny how the mind works. I have hovered just above that “safe” line all summer, self-sabatoging (not always conciously) every time I was about to cross it until I realized what was going on. So stupid to have so much nonsense attached to a particular number.
I’m not scared anymore. I don’t “need” fat anymore. Crossing the line or maybe writing the poem “Ropes” brought peace and clarity.
OH… by the way, having a clear head is wonderful. I have made some life altering decisions, including a relocation.
Yes, I am moving!
It is not a 100% done deal yet… but I have already given notice to my current landlord and started downsizing and packing up to move to a smaller space in a much desired location. It will be a life changer. I don’t want to say too much about it yet because it’s not a done deal yet, don’t want to jinx it.
Well, that’s what I have been up to… life is about to spin on a dime with some much anticipated changes and once again, I am slow to blog and very behind on blog reading.
Yo, anyone local want to buy a large mosaic lady for their flower garden? If so, make me an offer… my life is about to spin on a dime and I can’t take her with me.
That’s an old photo from before she went outdoors. I can snap more if anyone is interested… or come see in person. She requires a dedicated dolly to move her, just wrap her in a heavy blanket and strap her down, roll her on out. She’s been moved 3 times, twice in moving vans. The last time, it took two men to lift her onto a pickup truck. She’s heavy, a bit crude, but belongs where the sun can sparkle on her glass, surrounded by flowers.
Barnbees 