Bend (beyond ropes)

I crossed the line.  The earth did not shatter. 

That line was my SAFE line on the scale.  Kind of stupid, but I had to CBT some sense into my thinking and writing it out into poem form really helped.

My fears were delusional.  I do NOT NEED a hundred plus pound “cushion” to protect myself anymore. 

Facts are:
1.  I am not a defenseless child anymore.
2.  I am an old woman now.  Time itself is a blessing.
3.  No one has tried to rape me when I weighed over 100 lbs.  No one has tried to force me over 200 lbs.
4.  Age & fat do not eliminate all unwanted advances, but there is a definite inverse math thing going on.  The older/heavier you are, the less often a woman has to deal with that. 
5.  I can and have warded off unwelcome advances, so telling myself that I don’t know how to deal with that bull is a lie.  Quite simply, I hate being hit on.  I don’t want to have to deal with any of that.

Do I have sexual issues?  No, I have issues with total jerks, drunken assholes, and pedophiles. 

It is funny how the mind works.  I have hovered just above that “safe” line all summer, self-sabatoging (not always conciously) every time I was about to cross it until I realized what was going on.  So stupid to have so much nonsense attached to a particular number.

I’m not scared anymore.  I don’t “need” fat anymore.  Crossing the line or maybe writing the poem “Ropes” brought peace and clarity. 

OH… by the way, having a clear head is wonderful.  I have made some life altering decisions, including a relocation.

Yes, I am moving! 

It is not a 100% done deal yet… but I have already given notice to my current landlord and started downsizing and packing up to move to a smaller space in a much desired location.  It will be a life changer.  I don’t want to say too much about it yet because it’s not a done deal yet, don’t want to jinx it.

Well, that’s what I have been up to… life is about to spin on a dime with some much anticipated changes and once again, I am slow to blog and very behind on blog reading.

Yo, anyone local want to buy a large mosaic lady for their flower garden?  If so, make me an offer… my life is about to spin on a dime and I can’t take her with me. 

image

That’s an old photo from before she went outdoors.  I can snap more if anyone is interested… or come see in person.  She requires a dedicated dolly to move her, just wrap her in a heavy blanket and strap her down, roll her on out.  She’s been moved 3 times, twice in moving vans.  The last time, it took two men to lift her onto a pickup truck. She’s heavy, a bit crude, but belongs where the sun can sparkle on her glass, surrounded by flowers.

Ropes (the long poem)

There is a line in the sand I cannot cross,
Drawn so long ago.
There’s a million fears I cannot touch,
Steeped in crimson woe.

My fortress became a prison,
I hold the only key.
The door stands wide open,
But I have fears controlling me.

Facing the demons,
The haunt of the past,
The night of no endings,
The dawn has been cast.
Rumbles of thunder,
A crackle, a flash,
Goblins are thirsty,
I hear teeth gnash.
I cannot stay here,
The wall’s crumbling fast,
The only way out
Is not a quick dash.
The winds are a howling,
Crude branches do thrash,
The road is ablaze,
Atop shards of glass.
It’s a walk through fire,
How could I last?
Oh God, can you hear me?
I need a free pass.

“Remember the ropes?”
Huh?  What ropes?  Oh….

My mind wanders back
To a time of dispair,
When winds of change
Raged tornatic warfare.

Oh… wait a minute.
Did God just speak to me?
A stray thought?  Birdie whisper?
Call it what it be.

I saw the ropes
No one else could see,
Draped across aisles
In front of me.
Call it neurosis,
A temp psychosis,
Past maximum stress
What else could it be?
I studied the shadows,
Light patterns on beams,
But found no logic
To explain what it means.
So I took it as a sign,
I took it as a warning,
They were there some days,
But not every morning.
I saw thick cords,
Thought of ships at sea
When ropes crisscrossed
In front of me.

Illusions continued
Till someone hung a noose
And I deflied work rules
To go cut it loose?
Did they write me up?
No, bosses let it snooze.
But the old walrus saw
And spread the news around,
Then the hanger wandered in,
Thanked me for taking down
His alternative exit plan
From a company leaving town.

I quit seeing ropes
Crossed in front of me
After hacking down the rope
Everyone else can see.

We talked of despirations,
We were all biding time,
Of accidental suicides,
And clarity of mind.

Now I may be crazy,
Just a little out of joint.
That is a true story,
But not quite the point.

The thing about ropes:
They looked as real as can be,
But when I approached,
They vanished in front of me.

Remembering the ropes
Revealed the secret I need,
My fears are delusions
And faith is the key.

There’s a line in the sand that I must cross,
Drawn so long ago.
There’s a million fears that I must face,
Steeped in crimson woe.

N. ©2013