Finding Me

I’ve been rethinking a few things, drawing every day, and listening to music with lyrics that echo words in my head.

I mentioned shedding insecurities in my last post.

Underneath all those insecurities is a strong, confident woman. The secret is that she has always been there. All she wants is to live a simple creative life, speak her mind, and maybe do something a little outragious now and then just for fun.

Okay, that sounds good… but it’s not exactly accurate. Maybe I should replace “strong, confident woman” with “seasoned old woman who laughs easy” as I am more weathered than strong. I have endured. Winds of changes have swept through my life, each time spinning me off into the unknown, but I’m still standing. Might be standing crooked, but here I am.

Maybe “insecurities” is a wrong word, too. It suggests that I put myself down and that is simply not true.

So, what exactly are these layers?

I don’t know. It is the shedding of things I don’t need anymore, obsolete reasons to hide inside myself. Shedding the layers is not so much about finding me as it is revealing me as I am, flaws and all.

Yes, I am flawed. If I were in OA, those flaws would be called charactor defects. I kind of feel like it is okay to be flawed, as long as you accept the flaws that cannot be changed and take care not to let those flaws harm yourself or others.

For example, I am selfish. I know this about myself, but feel no need to mend my ways because I am not selfish about everything.

It made me a bad wife. I neglected my husband when I lost track of time working on my projects. Over-simplification? Yes, but not having his dinner cooked when he came in from work because I had spent the day painting did spark the fight that ended my second marriage.

After two brief marriages to the same man spaced eight years apart, I realized that I don’t have it in me to be the kind of wife most men want or need. It would not be fair to pretend otherwise, even though I occassionally toy with a fantasy of happy ever after Cinderella bull. That’s like wondering what it would be like to be rodeo clown or an astronaunt after 30 years on my own (as in combined adult years not lived with men).

Chance or Choice?

I never took a vow of solitude, just never had a requited love with anyone willing to accept my flaws enough to consider co-habitation.

Even with the art, the need to make things is so ingrained that it doesn’t feel like a choice. Every attempt to stifold that need to get along with a man or whatever has lead to misery and resentment. I am an artist, not a professional artist. I’m just one of those people born with a need to make things. I have to live a creative life.

Shedding layers is a choice, although it is kind of like removing layers of onion skin rubbed loose by the process of recovery, brittle and dry, crumbles in your hand. Underneath is the same ol’ person you always were… just no reason to hide anymore.

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RC #3

It’s #3 as I think it is the third time to write about doing a reality check, nice to have some kind of consistancy to title posts.

Losing a couple pounds this week eased my pain levels, so I eased up on dieting. I don’t like being hungry. Dieting is too much of a binge trigger without that ache to keep me in line.

Reality checks may be stepping on the scales as numbers can reveal things I don’t want to admit even to myself, but it is also in the jeans… black jeans purchased in 2004 before hopping a jet to visit a friend for the holidays, the same jeans boxed for years because they were too small to wear now fit loose in the legs. Even new capris purchased for this summer fit too loose. That drives me nuts! I can’t stand wearing baggy pants.

Most of all, reality is the slow process of recovery from binge eating disorder. And what is recovery?

Recovery is time passing, moments gathered into days fading into weeks. Months have passed.

Recovery is knowing recovery is possible. Someday, living with B.E.D. will be a thing of the past.

Recovery is awareness that bingeing is a negative reaction, an attempt to repress “unacceptable” raw emotions, and finding other ways to cope. It is “okay” to feel things, to express emotions, but it is “not okay” to harm yourself or others. Art is a blessing as it allows me to express anything without fear.

Recovery is eating intuitively, trusting myself to feed myself without fear of going beserk.

Recovery is the ability to enjoy the flavors, aromas, and textures of food without one iota of guilt.

Recovery is shedding layers of insecurities in all aspects of my life. (That one surprises me.)

Be glad my SD card died… my treat for good behavior this week was a pedicure. The photo snapped was like wow, scary old lady feet with toenails fancy painted black with white floral stickers, clear rhinestones, and silver glitter.

Hey, it is okay to be your own outrageous self. Truth be told, no one else really cares.

SD & Art Walk

My SD memory card is now completely dead. I knew time was limited. Sure enough, the error messages returned before I could drag out the ol’ computer to transfer my downloads. A reformat bought me just enough time to go back online, re-snag and print an art event application form, and then poof, it was dead.

Oh well… no photos or saving anything until I go buy a new SD card. No rush. Buses do not run here until Tuesday and it is not worth dropping more than the card will cost on cab fare.

So, now I’m looking at this art event application form and wondering how to participate with my limitations on transportation. It is not like I can just load up a car and go.

The application is for “MILL CREEK METROPARKS – LIVE! AT THE MORLEY ART WALK, a new addition to our already successful and well attended summer concert series” with a dozen dates to choose from.

From what I gather, accepted artists can set up a display within an assigned 10×10 foot space along a designated path in the park on Wednesday concert nights. Set up fee is $10 per date checked and artists must provide their own tents, tables, chairs, etc. All art is subject to review and approval (no nudity, hateful, or disturbing images) and other rules apply. If anyone is interested, the information is on the Mill Creek Park website, easy find with a quick google.

Unless I find a friend to also apply, odds are that I will NOT be able to do this because I seriously don’t think they would welcome an artist showing up like a homeless woman with her art and display stuff packed into one of those old lady shopping carts.

Yes, I can see myself doing that… my sisters gave me a rather large old lady cart, almost too large to take on the bus. I could pack everything in there, including a folding chair and tray table so I can sit there and draw, create on site. As for the cart itself, it is in new condition, looks nice. I could retrofit a bin topper to secure on, have the cart become part of the display during set-up, make it turn into an art bin holding the smaller “matted, BYO frame” drawings at a comfy height. Framed or larger pieces could be laid out or stood leaning on a foldable thing. Think it out, plan it right, oh yeah, totally do-able, make it look nice and everything.

But… is that too bohemian street for Mill Creek Park?

Eh, best find a friend with a vehicle… suppose they want white tents and all that costly “pro” display jazz, too. Artists doing the better craft show routes have all that stuff. I don’t.

Maybe I should go check it out first, figure out what it would cost to put together an acceptable display. If not too much, apply for dates later in the season or wait until next year. I don’t know.

I’m still looking at that cart… so do-able, perhaps for a different venue? Odds are that it would require too much walking to roll it into Mill Creek Park from the nearest bus stop anyway.

Oh well… so it goes… just thinking out loud on virtual paper, posting too much and rambling too long.